Lilly


Lilly looked at herself in the mirror. She rubbed her eyes, almost as if to erase the image before her. No such luck, she thought. This is me. She bent over the sink and began rubbing her face with a bar of soap her mother had taken from last year’s trip to Florida. She rinsed and grabbed a once white towel from the rod next to the sink. Lilly reached over into the shoebox that carried her toiletries. She grabbed a brown wooden brush and combed out her hair. She decided it was a good day to wear her hair up. She grabbed a pink ruffled scrunchy from the shoebox and pulled her hair atop her head. She proceeded to tease her bangs and spray on several layers of Stiff Stuff. Her bangs would not budge. It was time for her makeup now. She smeared on a coat of powder foundation. She parted her lips and glossed on a shade called cotton candy. She added some hot pink blush and drew in a thick blue line around her eyes. This was the way she had always done her makeup, since she was thirteen. It was the only way she knew how. She turned her back to the mirror and started to undress. She looked at the scale, but decided against weighing herself. I already know I’m fat. She put on a pair of white stockings and her crisp white uniform. This remained white because her mother washed it regularly. She could never figure out how her mother managed to do it. Lilly looked at her brown leather wristwatch. It was almost time for her father to pick her up. She heard the car horn outside, grabbed her purse and trotted down the stairs.
Another day.

“How are you feeling today, princess?” Lilly’s father looked at her with wide eyes and a hopeful smile. He sat in the driver’s seat of his four-door Corolla. He had paid cash for it. He was an old man now. But you could tell he had once really been something. This is the last man who will ever love me.

“I’m OK, Pa, could be doing better. I think I’m coming down with the stomach flu.” She lied and was sure her father knew, but neither could admit to that.

“Oh well, mija, you better take care of yourself. I hope you are feeling better by the time your aunt and cousins come this afternoon.” Somehow Fernando knew she would just run right upstairs to her room and hibernate. She had been doing so for the last five years. He didn’t think the family believed any excuses he made for Lilly anymore. But he still tried. This is my little girl.

“I hope so, Pa. I’ve missed Tia Martha. I would love to see her and mis primitas." They remained quiet the rest of the way. Lilly stared out the window looking past her reflection in the window. Her father pulled up to the ten story brick building. "Ok well thanks for the ride pa, pick me up at 3pm.” Lilly kissed her father’s cheek and hurried out of the car. She slammed the door behind her and didn’t look back. She was at work now and was a different person.


Lilly walked into the building. She greeted the doorman; he always asked if she had a case of the Mondays or Tuesdays or Wednesdays, depending on the day. Today was Sunday and she guessed she did have a bad case of it. She walked toward the elevator and pushed the up button. Most days she pretended the man of her dreams was on his way down to see her. Today, Tommy walked out. He was close enough, but never even noticed she was alive. She had loved him since she was a little girl. She’d had him, too, and for a short while she managed to be his one. Today she was no one to him and she preferred it that way. She was ashamed for people to see her now. Lilly arrived at the seventh floor in no time. She greeted the nurses and put her bag down at her desk. She had to do rounds first thing in the morning. There were patients she had to make sure were up, bathed, dressed and ready for breakfast. It was her job to make sure their needs were met. They were discarded, unloved or unwanted. No one ever came to visit these grandparents, great aunts and uncles - the entirely disconnected. I might as well be one of them.

At around twelve, Lilly told her supervisor she wasn’t feeling well and was going home. She lied, but she needed to prepare for the afternoon. She walked a couple of blocks to the local McDonald’s. Most days her father brought lunch right to her; it was always the same: a Big Mac, fries and a Coke. Today she had to walk there because her parents had company. It was the most anticipation she had felt in a long time. She walked into the McDonald’s and remembered why she made her father bring it to her. There was always the same group of people there; she hadn’t wanted to become one of them, people who had no one to love them, nothing to do. There was one older man sitting in the corner with a super sized Coke. He was dressed like a monk and had several Ankhs around his neck. She overheard him telling another man that he was the son of God and his father was sending him messages at the McDonald's, which is why he had to be there everyday. The monk got up and went to the bathroom, leaving his Coke unattended. If Lilly thought about what she looked like amongst them, she might have never come back. She preferred to pity the people there and not have to look at them. She ordered her food and sat silently in a corner. Eating was as close as she could come now to feeling good. It was the last thing she had left.

Lilly slipped a small flask out of her purse and poured colorless alcohol into her Coke cup. She had put vodka in there last night. I should have just had it straight up. She had a few other small bottles of liquor in her purse. She’d picked them up yesterday before her father picked her up at work. She’ thought she had bought some rum and rummaged through her purse for it. Once she found it, she downed that. She sat there awhile and watched the world rotate around her. She got up and made her way to the bathroom to touch up her make up before leaving. More pink gloss and some blue eyeliner was all she needed; she figured she could blend right into the masses. On her way out she overheard the monk arguing with the manager over his Coke. The manager had thrown it out before he was finished with it. The monk told the manager that God would punish him. Just as Lilly was stumbling out of the McDonald’s, the monk was banned from ever returning to his sanctuary. Lilly thought that was the lowest any human could go as she staggered down the street, bumping into light posts and mailboxes along the way. Her eyes were half closed and she barely made it back to the hospital. She waited outside for a few minutes in a daze until her dad showed up. It was three o’clock already and she could not say where the day had gone.

“Jesus, you look terrible sweetie. That stomach flu is really kicking in now, huh?” Just ignore the alcohol on her breath. “We better get you home. Your aunt and cousins are already there. They can’t wait to see you.”

Lilly didn’t say a word. She didn’t want to say or do anything. She wanted to get into bed, pull the covers over her head and disappear. She could always feel protected by her comforter. She dragged herself up the stairs, and greeted her family from afar.
“Hi everyone, don’t want to kiss you, I might be contagious.” She didn’t even excuse herself. She just went right upstairs and locked herself in her room. To be honest, she couldn’t stand to look at her cousins, Milena and Sabella. When they were younger, they had looked up to her. Now they just sort of looked at her with pity in their eyes. It wasn’t anything they said, but she could recognize that look. She had gotten it enough lately. But it wasn’t just their knowing looks. They were so beautiful and young and bounded through life with anticipation. Their lives were better than hers. They had lovers, they had friends, they still had dreams and hope.

Lilly grabbed a bag of barbecue chips she had hidden under her bed. She got into bed and pulled her comforter up to her chest. Nearly all of her body was invisible now. She turned on the television and restlessly flipped through the channels. She stopped when she saw Emeril; he was her favorite cook. Her mind wasn’t on TV though; she couldn’t stop thinking about the night of her fifteenth birthday. Her parents had thrown her a big party at home. She had gotten the leather motorcycle jacket she wanted. She had eaten ice cream cake. She had at least twenty of her friends over. They even managed to sneak some rum from her parent’s liquor cabinet. She had decided that she would meet her friends at midnight around the block so they could sneak into a bar. She didn’t even sneak out of the house. At 11:45 she put on her new jacket, combed her long black hair and walked out the front door. Her parents sort of yelled in vain in the background. That night she got back home after 4am. Her parents had demanded to know where she was. She was too drunk and too tired to even give them an answer. After a few minutes, they gave up. She went to her room and passed out. No one ever questioned her about it again.

The thing that she could not get off her mind about that night was Tommy. She had met him at the local bar. He was 18, a senior at her school. He had beautiful green eyes and long dark brown hair. He was the boy everyone dreamed of having in high school. When she walked into the bar, he could not take his eyes off of her. It was as if she could walk because he willed it. He bought her a beer and told her she was so beautiful he felt it in the pit of his stomach. This had made her nauseous, but she hid it. Instead, she made jokes and laughed, smoked a cigarette – anything to appear unmoved. Tommy whispered in her ear, gently held her face in his hands and said, “I could disappear in your eyes.” She had wanted to laugh, never having thought men really spoke this way without a woman writing their lines. Instead she kissed him. When they kissed, she felt every part of her body ignite. There were goose bumps and tingles, an actual feeling coming up through her throat. Anticipation seeped out of every pore in her skin. “I want to take you somewhere. Can I take you somewhere?” And she agreed. She didn’t care what anyone else thought. She wanted to be with him, to feel alive, not only to feel passion and desire but actually achieve those things. So Tommy drove them to a not so far off place. He had let her have her choice of motels. She picked the Americana. Once inside she lay on the bed, not quite sure what to do. Tommy took of his clothes and stood naked at the foot of her bed. He had large muscular arms, a thick neck and a slightly round belly. Tommy got on top of her, one knee between her legs, his arms holding up the weight of his body. He leaned in and kissed her, slow, taunting kisses, bating her to search for more. He gently licked and bit her lower lip. He asked if it was okay to undress her, which she said was. He unbuttoned her blouse slowly, stopping to kiss her chest after each button was undone. He slid her pants and underwear off together, throwing them on the floor behind him. Tommy pressed his body against hers. His very weight against her was almost enough for her to orgasm. They made love. The entire time he looked into her eyes; he would not let her look away. Lilly did not think or worry if he would call her the next day, if he would tell his friends, or if this would end badly. There was no time in his arms, the world disappeared and his warmth was all she could feel.

She fell in love with his eyes, his breath, the taste of his skin. She would be his always.

Back to reality. It was all ages ago. She had loved him and lost. Lilly let the bag of chips fall off the bed and onto the floor. She reached into her bedside table drawer. She found a small bottle of little white pills and took two. This time it was Ambien. Between her doctor and the people at work, she had managed to get quite a few different kinds. She took a small bottle of rum out of the drawer, too, and washed down the pills. This would let her forget; this would finally let her sleep. Tomorrow maybe I will be someone else.

Sleep came quite easily. It was an escape for her, a chance to relive any part of her life. She could choose to be anyone she had been. This was the only part of the day she looked forward to. Yet even sleep, too, sometimes betrayed her. She would live out her nightmares. The nightmares were not fictional, either; they were things that had really happened. Tonight she had one about her ex-husband. She was sitting on the couch with a glass of watered down vodka. He looked at her with what she realized for the first time was disgust. He placed his hands behind his back and seemed to be playing with the pockets of his jeans.
"Lilly, I am going. What I mean is I'm leaving you. I met someone else and I believe I have fallen in love with her. This marriage has been dead for years. You numb that with alcohol. I've numbed it with weed. But for the first time in my life I feel something."
It seemed as if he had practiced that speech for months. He had every word down; he did not stutter and it was concise.
The world seemed to float away. Lilly could not feel her weight or the couch beneath her. She did not feel the glass in her hand. She stared at the melting ice in her drink. The ice hadn't frozen all the way through and there were little puddles of water inside it. She waited for the water to break through the ice and into her drink before she would speak.
She thought perhaps she would convince Bernie to see things her way. She had thought about this very thing in the shower just two days before. It seemed so obvious to her, but Bernie clearly hadn't gotten it. Lilly finally spoke.
"The grass isn't greener on the other side. It looks greener and richer and fuller. People are laughing on the other side, having picnics, spilling wine, making love. But the grass you are standing on is yours. You have nurtured it and watched it grow. You have taken care of it and it has taken care of you. You run your fingers through it, your bare feet walk on it. You have come to know each and every blade. You keep it looking fresh and new. No one can take this grass from you, it is yours. You built the fence around it. You chase your dog through it. It will never be your neighbor's. Yet on the other side of that fence, is your neighbor, coveting your grass. There is no difference between the two, but neither of you will ever be content with what you have. Can't you see that?"
But it was no use; Bernie hadn't heard one word she'd said. He looked at her blankly and blinked. He had been standing there out of respect for their seven year relationship.
"You keep the dog." He turned his back and walked out the front door. They were the last words she ever heard him speak.

Lilly awoke in a cold sweat. She looked at the clock; it was only eight. She couldn't hear any voices downstairs; she supposed her cousins had left. She got out of bed and stepped on the bag of BBQ chips she had let fall to the floor. She picked up the mostly empty bag and tossed it into her trash can. She was starved. She went downstairs to rummage through whatever was left of the family dinner. She walked to the living room; the lights were off. She opened the door to her parent's bedroom and found them fast asleep, holding hands. Lilly crept into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator; she helped herself to heaping portions of roasted pork, black rice and beans and yucca. She didn't want to wake her parents, so she decided to eat it cold. She put a two liter bottle of Coke under one arm and the salt shaker under the other and headed upstairs with her food. She ate quietly and quickly in bed. After five minutes, her plate was clean and her two liter was half empty. She passed out with a piece of pork on her cheek and rice kernels on her lap.



Fernando woke up at 5am; his wife was no longer in bed. He found her in the kitchen; making breakfast: a western omelet, toast, bacon and coffee. Ever since he had retired they seemed to spend most of their time eating, sleeping or making love. He was grateful for having found this woman whom he had been in love with for over 40 years. They ate at the kitchen table and talked about last night's family visit.
"My sister and her daughters seem to be doing so well. I was so worried about them after George died. But they look happy now for the first time in a long time. Milena and Sabella are such nice girls. They are so smart and hard-working; they really seem to have their lives together. I know George would be so proud of them."

"Yes, I know he would" Fernando seemed to be fixated on his worn slippers.

"Pa, what is the matter with you. You don't look like yourself. You haven't touched your food and you are just staring blankly into space."

Fernando's eyes watered. "It's just when I see them, I can't help but wish that Lilly had her life together. I always dreamed of having a daughter and I love Lilly with all my heart. It's just I dreamed of having a daughter like Milena or Sabella. And I am so embarrassed to admit it. I am ashamed to admit it."

Mirtha looked at him for a moment. She put her hand on top of his and sat silently. Her eyes teared up; she knew exactly what he meant. "Things will get better." She picked up the dishes and put them in the sink. Fernando had left nearly all of his breakfast. "Why don't you go and check on her. Ask her if she wants anything to eat."

Fernando went upstairs to Lilly's bedroom. He knocked lightly on the door before letting himself in. The television had been left on; there was an empty plate of food next to the bed and an empty coke bottle lay on the floor, knocked on its side. Lilly had kicked the sheets off of the bed. Her bloated stomach hung over her green leggings; her skin was dry and cracked, discolored stretch marks were etched onto her stomach. Fernando picked the blanket up off the floor and covered her. He stared at her for a while. How can I fix this? He picked up the plate of food, the empty bottle, her bag of garbage and walked downstairs. He would just let her sleep.

Lilly woke up at around 3pm to the sound of a baby crying. She supposed her brother Frank had come over with his perfect wife and daughter. Her niece was one now and had just learned to walk. They had named her Lizbeth which was Frank's nickname for Lilly.
And though she was flattered, it made her feel as if she were being replaced in his life, too. All she had left now was he mother and father. Lilly grabbed a piece of Big Red and put it in her mouth. She picked up her hair and quickly changed into a pair of black tights and an oversized black t shirt. At least she wouldn't look quite as fat. She went downstairs and into the living room, "Is that my little boop crying? What did you guys do to her? Oh it's okay honey, come to your aunt Lilly," Lilly reached out for Lizbeth, but before she could pick her up, Laurie stepped between them and picked her up off the floor. "Oh it's okay Lilly, she just fell trying to walk over to Fernando. She's okay. Anyway it's time for me to change her." Frank and Laurie exchanged a knowing look.

"Oh give me a break you guys. It's only 3pm; I just woke up. I'm fine. I haven't had anything to drink in months. You are being ridiculous! What the fuck?! I'm her aunt."

Frank stepped in "Lilly please lower your voice and watch your language around Lizbeth. And brush your teeth while you're at it. I can still smell last night's rum dinner." Frank walked out of the room, leaving Lilly standing there open mouthed. He was like a mirror, throwing back at her exactly what was right before everyone's eyes. But as much as it hurt, there was nothing she could do to change anything. Nothing anyone ever said changed her.

Lilly went into the bathroom to change for work. She worked the night shift today and was going to be late. Her father had offered to drive her, but she declined. She felt like taking the bus.
She walked about two blocks to the nearest bus stop. The bus arrived about five minutes later. As soon as she stepped onto the bus, she realized she had no intention of getting off at her stop. She supposed she would keep riding until someone told her to get off. For a short time she and several other people were thrown together with the same goal. She felt connected to the driver and the passengers; they were all trying to get somewhere. She knew as little about their destinations as she did about hers.

Lilly took a window seat at the rear of the bus. Once she was settled in her seat, she caught a quick glimpse of herself in the window. She had black rusty nails imbedded into her gums, instead of sparkling white porcelain. She remembered her sister in law had made an appointment for her at the dentist; she had even taken the day off to give her a ride there. On the way, Laurie suggested Lilly go on one of those complete makeover shows. It was the first time she realized that everyone else noticed what a mess she really was. It felt as if someone had thrown a 14 pound bowling ball straight into her abdomen. She winced," I really don't want the entire country knowing my personal business. Thanks though."
Laurie responded, "I'm sorry, I was just trying to be helpful."
Once they arrived at the dentist's Laurie dropped her off outside the office, "Be back in an hour or so."

Lilly watched her drive off in her perfect Mercedes. She sat outside the dentist's office for two hours. To repair her would be like repairing a shattered porcelain with Krazy Glue. It was useless.

That was over two years ago now. Her family had given up trying to help now. They sort of observed her as they would a fatal car crash.

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" Lilly was brought back from her daze.

"No." This man was sat next to her and for the first time she remembered she was a woman. He had a bald, shiny head and wore thin silver glasses. She couldn't tell if he had lost his hair or if he shaved on purpose, or perhaps it was some combination of both. He had on a black T shirt with dark blue jeans that had a hole over the left knee.

"You've been on this bus over an hour you know. For most of that time, you've just been staring out the window. What's on your mind, girl? Nothing like talking to a stranger to find yourself."

She smiled, making sure not to show teeth, "How would you know how long I've been on this bus, unless, you've been on it just as long."

"My name is Marco. This is what I do somedays. I people watch. Everyone has someplace to go. Everyone but you."

"And you."

"True. But this is your first time on this bus, right? And that makes for a far more interesting story. Why today?"

Lilly sat there with her mouth wide open. Who was this man who seemed to know everything about her? She thought about telling him to fuck off, but then she thought, why not? She had no one else to talk to.
"I usually get a ride to work, but I felt like taking the bus today. I just never got off at my stop. I should be at work, but that was no reason to get off."

"Get off. With me. That's a reason"

She didn't hesitate, "OK."



Lilly followed him off of the bus. She concentrated on the black backpack he had slung over one shoulder. The front flap was completely covered with buttons. The buttons were all different; it seemed as if he'd picked them up throughout his life; everything from the Grateful Dead to a Pro Choice button. She followed the buttons down the street to a run down bar in the middle of town. Marco opened the door for her, "Into the bunny hole Alice."

Lilly found her way to the back of the bar. She slipped into a booth by the bathrooms. Marco stopped at the bar before joining her; he brought back a pitcher of beer and two shots of tequila.

"You not having a drink?" he half smiled.

"You always drink that much?

"Mondays," He pushed the tequila shot over to her, "but not today. Today we both drink this much."

Lilly wondered how he knew about her. She wondered how he knew she would be on that bus, how he should sit next to her, how he knew she would come to that bar with him. He pushed a tequila shot over to her and motioned for her to drink.

Lilly put the glass to her lips. She swallowed it in one shot, drinking it as if it were water. She reached over the table and did the same with his shot.

"Somehow I knew. So what's your name Alice?"

"Lilly."

"That's pretty. Never met a Lilly before. So what's your story, Lilly? And don't give me that bullshit, I was born and raised in blank but now I live here and work there and my heart was broken story. That's everyone's story. What's your story?"

She could be honest for once. Marco was everyone to her yet no one, really. He had slipped through the crowds and presented himself to her. She knew he would just as easily turn his back and walk away from her, disappearing into the crowd. She was a wreck; who would stay to watch that?

"I've numbed myself for so long. I can't really feel anything anymore. I eat because I get full. I drink because I get drunk. I take pills because I get high. I've surrounded myself with shit for so long, I've turned into shit. And when you are shit, you might as well be invisible. Days are meaningless. Really I'm just waiting for something to stop me. I expect that means I'm waiting to die."

"So you just wait for things to happen to you. You only got off the bus because I came along and told you to?"

She nodded.

Marco got up and went to the bar. He brought over a bottle of tequila this time.

"You drink this with me because I am telling you to."



Lilly woke up with her cotton panties around one ankle. She smelled of cigarettes and alcohol. She opened her eyes and found herself naked in an unfamiliar room. It was dark still but she could see the outline of an arm chair over in the corner. There seemed to be a pile of clothes slung over the back. She propped herself up and leaned over one side of the bed. There was a pool of vomit at on the floor. She gagged and rolled over to the other side of the bed to get out. She hobbled over to the bathroom and flipped the light on. The fluorescent lighting only emphasized each line in her face, every crater. She flinched in response to her reflection. Her breasts hung down to her bellybutton. She looked down and realized she hadn't shaved her arms or legs in months. Her pubic hair was matted and covered in a white chalky substance. Her hair was in knots; her skin broken out. Her teeth were nearly gone. Fingernails were bitten down to the knuckle. She splashed her face with cold water and reached for a small washcloth. She soaked the washcloth in warm water and cleaned herself up a bit.

Lilly walked over to the dresser in the other room. There was no one else in the room with her. She found a pair of white boxer shorts on the dresser. She picked them up and found they had several holes in them and they were soiled; she threw them on the floor. She looked at the alarm clock next to the bed; it was only 11pm. She found her purse on the floor at the foot of the bed. Her wallet was gone; she'd only had twenty dollars in there. She could not remember how much time had passed. She did not know how long it had been since Marco had gone. She didn't know where she was or where she had been. She laughed; it seemed appropriate since she didn't know where she was going either.
She wondered if this was this rock bottom. If not, how much further would she have to go? She had no idea what that meant; what would happen to her, what she was capable of. Everyone she knew was millions of miles away. She reached into her purse and grabbed a bottle of tequila she had stowed away. She took a couple of small white pills. She lay back in bed and covered herself from head to toe. She slept. She could always sleep.